How To Write Something Really Bad(ly)

These steps take minimal amount of effort and dedication. Perform them not wisely.

Step 1. Do not eat breakfast. Or second breakfast. Then, drink coffee. The process works best if the coffee is loaded with sugar, that way your fingers are shaky and your heart patters around your chest with the intensity of a hamster on a wheel. The fainter you feel, the worse your writing will be. 

Step 2. Do not mentally prepare yourself to write. In fact, you should try un-preparing yourself. Do this by reading your least favorite thing in the entire universe. Or by sitting for hours in direct sunlight on a humid day so that the hunger headache you already have gets even more distracting.

Step 3. Find your least favorite writing utensil. Chalk. A crayon. Your blood. Someone else's blood. A pen that is running out of ink. If all of these things make you happy, then think about typing. If you're a really good typer, blindfold yourself. And then turn your back toward the keyboard. 

Step 4.  Once you've started writing, strain really hard. I mean really hard. Strain so hard that you don't get any writing done because you're trying so freaking hard to think about what to write.

Step 5. Jump around from train of thought to train of thought. You might also completely change characters mid-dialogue, or even simply slide into a new plot. Whatever works. Or doesn't work.

Step 6. Begin the process all over again the next day, only make sure you don't sleep. If you happen to fall into slumber, be sure to have nightmares. And not exciting nightmares that could inspire you, but boring nightmares where all your teeth are falling out and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

These are things that I have learned after creating the most heinous sentences I've ever seen. I'm sure there's someone out there who will think I'm really stupid for proclaiming that lack of sustenance makes for poor writing. Some people might need that rush of dehydration and hunger in order to excite their trembling fingers. Not me. I need a good breakfast, preferably something with potatoes. You know, boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. 

Step 2 is the most crucial step for me. I've mentioned this in an earlier post, but who doesn't like reiterating? If I don't mentally prepare myself, but just plop down and force creativity to come, I fail. Preparing myself is the most important thing. I do this by getting all reflective and nostalgic. Walking around the fourth floor of the library helps, as does telling everyone that my name is Ella and that I have superpowers. Windy days with tinkling wind-chimes, dense trees, quietness, a sense of foreboding—those also help me write Evolution. I wonder what strange things I will have to do once I begin my next writing project??